Under Pressure

So I’m the kind of person who’s always trying to have this certain persona to make people smile, laugh and try to be that motivator and supporter for them. As I’ve been growing up, this persona stayed with me till this very day and it started to make my social life difficult.

What I mean by that is, I do things that I don’t want to do because I’ve been put under certain pressure by others. They are not at fault in this because I made myself appear over the years that I’m this outgoing and that I used to do things that I never really enjoyed but pretended to like it because I always told myself, “why not?” “Don’t be that friend” “Take a risk” “Get out of your comfort zone.” And yes, this allowed me to experience things and know what I liked and what I didn’t. I’m appreciative of that. However, If I was asked to do one of those things that I did before (that I never liked), I would kindly refuse. I just didn’t like it. But because I was dishonest to the people around me and told them that I loved it or it was cool, it put me in this position now where I can’t really say no to do that thing again or go to that place again without any legit excuse.

Recently, I’ve said no to something that I’ve said yes to many many times before and I finally explained why. That friend understood even though deep down I feel like I disappointed them in a way and that I just became sort of ‘lame’ and a ‘party pooper’ and I HATE that feeling. It’s the reason why I avoided being honest about it and I guess this comes down to me being someone who loves pleasing others rather than finding a balance.

Still, I truly wish I am that persona that I led so many people to believe and sometimes I am that persona but 60% of the time, I am not.

That doesn’t mean, I don’t want to try new things or take risks or whatever, but if I did try something and I didn’t like it but you did, I will not pretend to like it or be okay with it because I don’t want to disappoint you or take away the fun out of it. I want to be more honest even if I feel like I’m under pressure.

I try not to regret anything in my life and truly believe that everything I did have been the reason to who am I today and I love myself now and that’s something I couldn’t say a few years ago. Part of loving myself is to be more honest to me and to the people I love and surround myself with. It’s tough to now show who I really am because it feels I’ve been lying to them my whole life but I hope they understand why I was who I was it was truly out of love.

 

Much Love,

SH XOXO

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Love

This is a tricky topic.

At least for me.

I, as some of you may know, am hopeless romantic.

Growing up with Disney movies playing in my house on a regular basis did effect me in a way that I never thought about until now. All those princess have found that great love. And as a 22 hopeless romantic young woman, I want that too. This is probably of one the few times that I have ever admitted this to anyone, including myself. I don’t know why I felt and still sort of feel weird and ashamed saying it but hey, it’s the truth.

I just love LOVE. Not just in a relationship kind of way, but within friends and family. It feels pure and genuine. I only realized that I kept myself from that in a way. I didn’t love myself enough to feel loved by the people who I know truly love me and that ruined a portion of my life. Now that I’m a little bit older, I understand how valuable it is to love yourself first. To not wait for that “great love” because you can give yourself that. I obviously still struggle with that but it’s a journey just like any relationship is. There’s highs and there’s lows but at the end of the day, there’s YOU who can lift yourself up and be there for yourself. We don’t need any individuals in our lives to make us feel that way because we have ourselves for that but when the right time and the right person comes, you will be able to feel that genuine love instead of the doubt and fear that comes as a shield but you will be able to truly reciprocate that love.

Anyways,

There’s nothing wrong in wanting someone to love you and share this journey of life with you but YOU are responsible for your own happiness and it comes within you.

 

Much Love,

SH xoxo

Moving On

It’s a concept that some of us may find difficult. It’s even harder when you’re trying to move on from someone. You invested time in developing that relationship/friendship and sometimes you both grow out of it or you realize it’s healthier for both of you to be out of each other’s lives or it could be something worse like a fight or a misunderstanding. In all of the above, they lead to a heartbreak. Rather it’s a small one or a severe one, it is, at the end of the day, a heartbreak.

Depending on how things ended, moving on is difficult and I think it’s because we will always have a little bit of hope that things may turn around but in reality it’s unhealthy to live that way.

From my own experience, I didn’t push myself to move on fast. I let myself feel the pain and the heartbreak of that friendship and I had moments of wondering why and how and can we be friends again. And that person had such a strong hold of the younger version of myself that it took me a while to forget about them and not care about them anymore. That’s when I felt a sense of release. They weren’t in my thoughts as much and everyday they become less and less in my head until they finally vanished and became a memory.

My point is, moving on involves going through a process of asking yourself questions you can’t answer, feeling guilt of what might you have done to change the outcome, maybe even anger, but the last bit is forgiving yourself and have acceptance of that relationship that you had with that person. The acknowledgment that you have shared a part of yourself and at some point they’ve made you happy. That’s when you finally feel like they can disappear from your thoughts but again, it will take time. Don’t rush it, just let take it’s course.

I will end this with a quote I’ve read regarding to moving on by Tyler Perry,

The most important thing that I learned in growing up is that forgiveness is something that, when you do it, you free yourself to move on.

Much Love,

SHxoxo

Random Thoughts & Feelings

The following content of this blog post is just my random thoughts and feelings that I have sometimes and this is a way for me to express myself.

I’m the kind of person who one day is highly motivated and very efficient  and effective in all the tasks that I have for the day. But then a day out of no where comes where I feel burned out. I would feel anxious, depressed, lazy, bored and unmotivated at all. And I wouldn’t be able to stop my habit of overthinking like I would be able to do sometimes.

The thing is the more I have better days, that one bad day I have gets darker every-time. That one day could turn into two, three, a week or even a month.

I know I need to have some discipline mentally but when I’m in those days, like now, it feels like I’m suffocating. Like I’m in this hole in the ground and I can’t climb up. When it’s really bad, that hole starts to fill up until I feel like I’m drowning.

Huh, that just got dark. Like really dark.

Anyways, I just felt like writing it down to make me feel better in a way. I don’t like talking to people about how I feel because I don’t like it when people try to take care of me, like I’m not able to take care of myself. Maybe even because being vulnerable scares the shit of me. or maybe because I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me.

If you’re wondering why I put this out there when I cant even talk to the people closest to me about it… I don’t know. Maybe because it could reach to someone who feels the same and they wouldn’t feel alone. or maybe not.

On the positive side of things, I’m trying to get back to the routine that I build for myself to keep me in check and writing is step one.

Another thing on my mind is, man, my heart and my mind are arguing but also there’s reality that always comes crashing down on me. And that just makes me want to go to sleep or work on some assignment or anything really just to stop me from thinking about this. I’m not even going to explain that dilemma because that would make it more real and I’m not sure if I want it to.

I know this whole blog makes me sound like I’m a total sad person but I know for a fact that I’m not. I’m just human and I know that there’s people out there who are deals with this kind of shit that is worse than mine. So, we’re all humans and we all have things we have to deal with so let’s not judge each other on it instead let’s just be there for each other.

Lastly I want to leave you with what Matt from Yes Theory have wrote in their latest newsletter,

“The storm will always come.

In one form or another.

And we have two choices.

Give up and drown or hold on tight and get through it.

And if we decide to go through it.

If we latch ourselves to the mast.

The seas will eventually calm down.

The sun will rise again.

And we’ll feel wounded, yet stronger.

Afraid, but more courageous.

Ready to set sail again.

For new exciting horizons.”

Thank you Matt for those words because I know I needed it.

 

 

 

Much Love,

SH XOXO

Television shows I’m currently watching

So…. Anyone else spend most of their time catching up on episodes or discovering new shows and binge watching them for days non-stop?

If the answer is no, then save yourself before you get sucked into a never ending black hole of tv shows.

And if your answer is yes, then hello my fellow tv show fanatics!

In this post I will be sharing the current shows that I’m watching (feel free to comment below/mention me on twitter what you’re currently watching and what you recommend watching)

In no particular order, let’s start:

1- How To Get Away With Murder: (5 seasons)

This tv show consists of 4 finished seasons and currently on the 5th. It’s hard to explain the show without spoiling some of the story but I can tell you that it’s all about a particular lawyer (who happens to also be a professor) and certain law students who all get into very dark shit and it just gets worse from there.

It’s hard to get bored of this show because the story is written so well and the implementation of that writing from the cast especially, Viola Davis is fascinating. If you haven’t seen it yet, I recommend you give it a chance. It is dark but it’s the kind of tv show that keeps you thinking and guessing and it definitely, keeps you on edge.

2- Star: (3 seasons)

So, this tv show is not everyone’s cup of tea and there’s not a lot hype around it BUT I like it. It’s about three young woman who are trying to make it as a girl group in the music industry, however, its not that simple because of what they dealt with in the past with family and also moving forward with their manager and the labels, etc…

What I love about the show is the mixture of drama  and music but really its the cast is what made the show come alive. Those three ladies are enjoyable to watch but the main woman I love watching is Queen Latifa and she’s one of the main characters and the real star of the show in my personal opinion. I just hope the story gets better and more interesting but I think this season is going to be the best. Other than that, the show does touch a lot of important issues and generates conversations and I think it’s awesome that they do that.

3- Empire: (4 seasons)

Empire is the same universe of Star, however, this one started before Star and personally, I think it’s a bit better.

So, Empire is a company that started from scratch by a man and a woman who were in love, married with three kids and their love for music. But because of something that happened  the wife/mother was forced to live 17 years without her husband or kids in prison for her husband to achieve his dreams and create his empire. The first episode takes place when that woman, Cookie Lyon finally gets released after 17 years and it all starts happening.

Cookie Lyon and Lucious Lyon are so well written characters and they are probably one of my favorite characters of all time. They are so enjoyable to watch because of how they are being portrayed by Taraji P. Henson and Terrence Howard. The development of those two characters and their relationship throughout the episodes is beautiful. Cookie obviously has such an amazing dynamic on screen thanks to Taraji and her one-liners are the best! It’s also a show that I don’t know if you’ll love but it’s worth checking out.

4- This is Us (3 seasons)

So, if you haven’t heard of this show, then you’re living under a rock.

This tv show has made most of its viewers around the world burst into tears after the end of each episode. Not in a bad way though. It’s just that the show is so good and well-written that it really hits you in the heart. Jack and Rebecca’s love story is so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. The way that the story goes back and forth in time gives the show the ability to do whatever it really wants. There’s no limits to what they want to get into when it comes to their characters and I think this idea is innovative and when it collides with good writing, talented cast, and an amazing production you are guaranteed to have a hit show. This is a pure drama series that I didn’t think I’d get into and love it as much as I did so if you haven’t already given it a chance, then you should.

5- Supernatural (14 seasons)

So…. I LOVE SUPERNATURAL SO MUCH AND I CANT BELIEVE ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I FIRST WATCHED IT BUT OMG I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO STOP WATCHING IT.

Since that’s out of the way. As you already know by now, I’m a supernatural fan. The reason why I love this tv show is mainly because of the writing and the development of the storyline. I mean, it’s been on for 14 seasons, they are doing something right. Every season we get even deeper with the developments of those characters and the supernatural they keep fighting. It’s always unexpected, interesting and enjoyable to watch. I have to give props to the cast especially  Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki because they deserve an Oscar for their incredible acting. I think when it comes to tv shows, actors are not given the same amount of appreciation for what they portray on television but I believe they should because what Jensen and Jared have been doing for the past 14 seasons is beyond amazing to me. So, you’ll  definitely will love the chemistry between the cast members on and off the screen.

However, I know 14 seasons is a lot but if you have ever enjoyed any supernaturals shows before and love a little bit of scare from now and then, you’d enjoy this show especially the early seasons.

6- The good Doctor (2 seasons)

This show is about a young surgeon resident who is autistic. The beauty of this show comes from the main character, Shaun. He’s heartwarming to watch. It’s amazing and interesting to see how this character has to deal with everything and learn how to develop some skills to survive in this environment. Not only him though, but every character has a beautiful story and it keeps getting better. It’s one of those shows that will always leave you feeling happy after watching it. Also, if you love ‘the doctors lives in the hospital’ kind of tv shows you’ll appreciate this one.

7- Chilling adventures of Sabrina (1 season)

Okay, so I had to add this tv show into this list because even though I already finished it, maybe you haven’t seen it yet.

It’s a Netflix series that is kind of a remake of Sabrina the teenage witch with a horror twist on it. It’s based on the comics with the same name and it’s set in the same universe as Riverdale. So… you can see where this is going.

The show itself, is about Sabrina who’s a half witch and half mortal, orphaned and being taken care of two of her aunties and her cousin. The young witch/mortal struggles with her secret that she is hiding from her boyfriend Harvey and her two best friends and also struggling with her decision to join the coven.

It’s a dark version of Sabrina the teenage witch but it’s unexpectedly really good. I had low exceptions when I heard of this and I didn’t know if I’d like it but I really did. The cast, the writing, the production are all very good. It’s not the show for everyone but give it a try if you like dark side of witches, teenagers, and a little bit of jump scares here and there.

8- Charmed (1 season)

No I’m not talking about charmed the three witches that was back in 1997-2006. I’m talking about the new remake by the CW.

I was going in to be such a hard critic on it but left the first episode wanting more. It’s good so far. I cannot judge on only three episodes but I like the characters and I like magic and I like where the story is going and I’m interested to see how the show develops through out the season.

9- Legacies (1 seasons)

If you have watched the vampire diaries and the originals then you’d know what this tv show is about. This is another spin off from those universes and I’m not mad at it.

I don’t want to get into explaining the characters because a lot of them have a rich history but you can google it because I think there are websites dedicated to explain those characters. However, to explain this show is to simply say that, there’s this school that was created to help young supernatural creatures (witches, vampires, werewolves, etc) to help them control their powers and learn more about this supernatural world to prep them to be more in control of everything they will have to deal with. Humans don’t know about this school or the whole supernatural creatures thing and of course thats the way they want it to be.

Theres 2 episodes out so far, and I liked it. I think the whole launch of the vampire diaries, then the originals and now this one is just proof that if you do good writing in creating a show that creates this loyal fanbase, it could be expanded and becomes this universe on its own.

10- The X-factor UK 

This is not a series tv show kind of thing, it’s more as a reality singing competition kind of thing. I watch X factor from time to time but this season is quite a season. So many talented people who are different and bring a fresh air to the show and so I started to watch it again and I have four main favorites so far. Misunderstood, Brendon, Giovanni and of course Scarlet.

I like watching competitions and so this is currently one of my favorites.

 

So that’s it. there some tv shows that I didn’t mention but those were the 10 that I have on my mind. Let me know what kind of shows you like watching or your top fav shows either in the comments below or mention me on Twitter @inthemoment_96

 

Much Love,

SH XOXO

Slipping Away

I was actually planning to write something fun this week to post on here since the first two posts were kind of… dark. But something happened today and I need to write about i to feel sane and I don’t feel comfortable enough to talk about it with someone directly so this is the best way to do it.

So there’s this person in my life that I’d do anything for. I literally would die for this person. But they are almost entirely unhappy, unsatisfied and that sometimes comes out as ungrateful. Though I know that person is grateful but they are just… tired from life and from living in a certain way for years. I always try to see what I can do to make that person happy. but happiness is temporarily? isn’t it? you can’t be happy all year round? if you can then show me the way please!

As I got older, I started to read into things, stories that they would share with me about their past, their current feelings and attitudes about things and the way they see life. And I feel like this person isn’t just unhappy because of their current situation? maybe they are unhappy because they have depression? and they have been suffering from it for their whole lives but never had someone professional talking to them about it.

This is where our culture comes in, “Therapy is for crazy people” . And so mental health was never a priority in our community. I think about that person and how much I feel for them because dealing with all of what they had to go through… alone… must been shit. And  they feel alone in everything they do till this day even when the people around them try not to make them feel this way.  I don’t want to lose that person because of culture and society. and I feel like I’m hanging on to that person as much as I can but they are slipping away. Nothing I do, or say is helping and it’s breaking my heart.

I honestly don’t even know if anything I wrote make sense or put together but that’s how I feel right now.

Much love,

SH xoxo

Your Demons

The real demons aren’t the ones you can see but are the ones you don’t. The ones that are in your head. Those demons are the toughest ones to fight. They have such a damaging effect on the person. Or at least for me, they do.

It’s kind of like having a million people talk at once, each giving you a reason why you can’t do this, or have that. Each tells you how weak you are, how not beautiful you are, how you’re not worth of anything really and how you’re not special so you should stop pretending that you are.

Now imagine all those voices in your head. Constantly talking. Constantly making sure that you don’t succeed or even stopping you from trying.

Those demons are the demons I have to deal with, almost on a daily basis. Yes, I knew how to quiet them over the years, but they are always there. Whispering or yelling, they are there.

Fighting those demons is the hardest thing I have done and still doing.

It’s those days where I let them get to me that are the worst. It’s a point for them and none for me. But then there’s those days where I win. Those days are the best. Alhumdillah/Thank god, I have more of those days now and it feels good.

But here’s to everyone who’s fighting their own demons, mentally or physically, know that you are good enough, you are strong enough and you can do it. Don’t let those voices take over because I know how that feels.

Remember that you’re not alone. Everyone is fighting something.

This is your battle and you will win.

And when you do, you will know that all the pain you felt is worth the taste of victory.

 

 

 

I will let you know what it tastes like when I reach it.

 

Much Love,

SH XOXO