A new blog for a new beginning, I guess.
It’s been exactly a year since I let myself be vulnerable and express my emotions through writing. As I approach my university graduation, I start to fear the future even more. I always tell myself that It’s okay to be afraid of the unknown (especially because I’m kind of a control freak) but when I look at the job opportunities that are available to me, I don’t know what to choose and if I will ever find what really suites me. It terrifies me that I could be working in a job that I hate and every minute is hell. Then I tell myself, that’s okay too, as long as you don’t forget the bigger picture. Maybe I should work in any job for the moment until I save the money that I need to get my masters and PhD abroad because its been one of my goals in life. But I genuinely don’t know if I’ll ever get to do that. It scares me how unknown the future is. What scares me even more is how fast time is passing. I still remember my orientation day like it was yesterday and here I am today, about to reach to the finish line. I do know however, that I have developed emotionally and mentally. I do still struggle with what I call it ‘My dark side’. Not everyday, I feel happy and cheerful. Sometimes those gloomy days are even more than my happy days. There was a point of my life where I was ashamed of the anxiety and depression that I felt. No one knew and even when I opened up about it, it wouldn’t be the whole truth. I would minimize it because I didn’t want to seem ‘crazy’ or ‘weird’ which looking back at it now, that was pretty messed up. I now accept that its part of my life and I can talk about it fully without the feeling of shame attached to it. It’s normal. Thank god for the internet because some people have opened up about the same issues that I deal with like social anxiety (which is something I need to work more on). This connectivity between people makes things a lot better even though the negative aspect of it is pretty… negative.
This makes me feel better.
Writing has always been my ‘ride or die’. I always felt that because it helped me organize my thoughts and sometimes even lets me admit to things I didn’t know I felt. That need sparked in me today out of nowhere. I just needed to write. To express. And so why not to do it publicly?
Maybe someone out there can relate and not feel alone? maybe it can open a conversation? I don’t really know how me expressing my emotions could help someone but I know that I needed someone to relate to and so maybe I can be that person to someone else wherever they are.
Much Love,
SH XOXO
Live The Moment 